Query the Quails! (June 13, 2023)

Dear Quail,

In your holy infinite wisdom, can you answer the question: Is Caltech worth it? Best,

A.S. Muncher

Hi A.S. Muncher,

Look, folks, let me tell you something about Caltech. They say it’s worth it, but honestly, it’s a disaster. It’s a total disaster, believe me. I’ve seen it, I know people who have been there, and they tell me it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

First of all, Caltech, they think they’re so smart. They think they’re the best, but let me tell you, I know smart. I went to the best schools, I’m a very stable genius, okay? Caltech, they’re nothing compared to me. They’re just a bunch of overrated scientists and eggheads.

But here’s the real problem with Caltech, folks. It’s outrageously expensive. They charge you an arm and a leg for tuition, and for what? A piece of paper that says you went to Caltech? Let me tell you, that piece of paper doesn’t guarantee success. You can get a great education and achieve great things without breaking the bank.

And let’s talk about the campus, folks. It’s small, it’s cramped, they can’t even house all their students! How outrageous for a school of only one thousand undergrads!

So, is Caltech worth it? Absolutely not. Don’t fall for their hype. Don’t let them convince you that you need to go there to be successful. There are plenty of other great universities out there that offer a top-notch education without the hefty price tag. Don’t waste your time and money on Caltech, folks. Trust me, it’s not worth it.

Regards, Quainald Qrump

Hi Quail,

If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about college, what would it be?

Froshington Greenfield Froshington Greenfield,

I would say “Do not come here.”


Dear Quail,

Do you have any recommendations on stuff to watch?

Thanks, Procasten Ator

Dear Procasten Ator,

Let me tell you something, folks. There’s a video out there, a tremendous video that you’ve got to watch. It’s called the Ricketts Fish video, and believe me, it’s a game-changer. It’s tremendous, okay?

Now, I’ve seen a lot of videos in my time, and let me tell you, this one stands out. It’s all about fish, folks. Beautiful fish. It’s got everything you could want in a video: excitement, drama, and, of course, fish. Lots and lots of fish.

The Ricketts Fish video takes you on a journey, a journey into the underwater world. You see these magnificent creatures swimming, darting, and doing all sorts of fishy things. It’s mesmerizing, folks. You won’t be able to take your eyes off the screen.

And the production value, let me tell you, it’s top-notch. It’s like a Hollywood blockbuster, but with fish. The visuals are stunning, the editing is superb, and the music, oh, the music will sweep you away. It’s a masterpiece, folks, a masterpiece.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why should I watch a video about fish? Well, let me tell you, fish are incredible. They’re beautiful, they’re fascinating, and they’re an essential part of our ecosystem. Watching this video will give you a newfound appreciation for these magnificent creatures, believe me.

So, if you’re looking for something to watch, something that will captivate your attention and leave you in awe, I highly recommend the Ricketts Fish video. It’s a winner, folks. You won’t be disappointed. Watch it, enjoy it, and let it remind you of the incredible wonders that nature has to offer.

Best, Quail

Hey Quail,

What’s the most creative way you’ve managed to stay awake during an all-night study session? Best,

Ingrid Somiac

Dear Ingrid Somiac,

Let me tell you a little secret. When it comes to staying awake and keeping that energy flowing, you need something extreme, something that gets your blood pumping. That’s where Drone

Xtreme Motorsports, or DXM, comes into play. It’s the ultimate adrenaline rush that’ll keep you wide awake, alert, and ready for action.

Picture this: you’re feeling tired, lethargic, and in desperate need of a pick-me-up. Instead of reaching for that cup of coffee or energy drink, you go for some DXM. This high-flying marvel of technology is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. It’s sleek, it’s fast, and it’s about to take you on a wild ride.

With DXM, you can engage in exhilarating races, navigate challenging obstacle courses, and perform daring aerial stunts. It’s an adrenaline-fueled adventure that will jolt you awake like nothing else. The rush of excitement, the thrill of the chase, it’s like a shot of pure energy coursing through your veins. Your senses are heightened, your reaction time is lightning-fast, and there’s no room for drowsiness.

But DXM isn’t just about the excitement and thrill. It’s also about the camaraderie and competition. Imagine gathering with friends who share your passion for DXM and going to the skies on a delightful journey together.

So, if you find yourself struggling to stay awake, consider the exhilarating world of Drone Xtreme Motorsports, DXM. It’s not just about racing drones—it’s about embracing the extreme, defying limits, and tapping into a wellspring of energy and excitement. Buckle up, folks, because DXM is here to keep you awake and take you on the ride of a lifetime.

Have fun, Quail

Dear Quail,

What’s the funniest or weirdest thing you’ve witnessed while people-watching on campus? Best,

Stal Kerr

Dear Stal Kerr,

Oh my, do I have a story to tell. It all began back in the fall of 2022. As I nestled into my usual spot on the benches near Millikan Library, ready to indulge in my favorite pastime of

people-watching, I had no idea that today’s spectacle would be one for the books. The Caltech campus was always a hub of intellectual activity, buzzing with eager minds and brilliant ideas. But what unfolded before my eyes that day was a sight that left me equal parts perplexed and amused.

In the distance, two figures emerged, their faces filled with determination and a hint of youthful exuberance. These were unmistakably freshmen, the embodiment of youthful enthusiasm and a touch of naivety. They seemed to be on a mission of the utmost importance, though the nature of this mission eluded me at first.

As they drew closer, I noticed that these hooligans, as I do not recall their names, were pushing not one, not two, but dozens of pallets across the vast expanse of the campus. The pallets, laden with an assortment of bizarre objects, teetered precariously as they navigated the uneven terrain. It was a sight that seemed to defy all reason, for what could two young individuals possibly need with such a peculiar assortment of cargo?

Undeterred by the curious gazes of passersby, they continued their arduous journey, fueled by an unwavering determination. They were like ants, tirelessly hauling their treasures, seemingly oblivious to the perplexed expressions they elicited. Their energy was infectious, and soon enough, a small crowd began to form, watching their progress with both awe and bewilderment.

But their story did not end there. As the days turned into weeks, the campus became their playground, their transportation method an extension of their ever-growing legend. The hooligans could be seen at all hours of the day and night, riding atop their pallets, weaving through the maze-like pathways of Caltech’s prestigious grounds. Their laughter echoed across the campus, infectious in its unbridled joy. Their adventures, however, were not without their share of mishaps and unexpected obstacles.

One sunny afternoon, as they joyfully made their way through the bustling campus, disaster struck. The path ahead became unexpectedly congested with students and faculty rushing to their next classes. Caught in the midst of a veritable traffic jam, the hooligans found themselves in a precarious situation. With a sudden jolt, the weight of the cargo caused the entire cart to topple over, spilling its peculiar contents onto the pavement.

Panic ensued as students scrambled to avoid the avalanche of objects that had spilled onto the ground. It was a chaotic scene, a whimsical twist of fate that left the hooligans momentarily stunned. As they gathered around, uncertain of how to proceed, a diligent worker arrived with a chainsaw in hand. With a few deft cuts, the obstructing pieces of the cart were cleared, allowing the traffic to flow once again.

Undeterred by this unexpected setback, the spirited duo pressed on, their determination unshaken. They quickly regrouped, devising a clever solution to prevent future accidents. In a stroke of ingenuity, they found a large rock that served as a perfect counterweight to hold down the wooden planks on their cart. With this newfound stability, they could navigate the campus with a renewed sense of confidence.

Their adventures became more audacious, their presence on campus both enigmatic and endearing. They became local legends, the cart transformed into a symbol of their audacious spirit and unwavering determination. Students and faculty alike eagerly anticipated the sight of the hooligans whizzing by, their laughter and the clattering of the cart echoing through the corridors of learning.

Rumors and theories swirled among the student body. Some speculated that they were secret engineering geniuses, testing out their wild contraptions under the cover of darkness. Others believed they were conducting some kind of social experiment, challenging the boundaries of conventional norms. The truth, as it turned out, was far simpler and far more charming.

the hooligans were in pursuit of something beyond the realm of academic achievements and scientific breakthroughs. They had discovered a unique way to embrace the whimsy and spirit of their college years, unburdened by the weight of expectations and deadlines. Their audacious escapades were a testament to the power of youthful imagination, a reminder to us all that sometimes, the greatest lessons are learned through a touch of whimsy and a hearty laugh.

As I sat there, observing their daring antics, I couldn’t help but smile. The world needed more Alexes and Maxes, fearless pioneers of joy and merriment. And so, with a renewed appreciation for the magic that can be found within the ordinary, I continued my role as the ever-watchful observer, eager to witness the next chapter of their extraordinary journey on the hallowed grounds of Caltech.

But as winter settled over the Caltech campus, bringing crisp air and cooler temperatures, an air of curiosity and wonder filled the atmosphere. It was during this chilly season that the captivating duo mysteriously vanished, leaving behind an air of intrigue and unanswered questions.

The vibrant energy they once brought to the campus seemed to evaporate into thin air, leaving a void in the hearts of those who had grown fond of their audacious spirit. Students and faculty searched for answers, but the enigma surrounding their disappearance remained unsolved.

Whispers floated through the halls, sharing tales of sightings in distant lands or secret missions that had called them away from the confines of academia. Some speculated that they had become explorers, charting new territories in pursuit of untold discoveries. Others imagined them as undercover agents, bravely infiltrating the unknown.

But despite the imaginative tales that circulated, the truth of their fate remained elusive. Autumn turned into winter, and winter melted into spring, yet there was no sign of their return. The campus, once alive with their laughter and the clattering of their cart, settled into a more subdued rhythm, and the hooligans have yet to be seen again.

I hope you enjoyed this wonderful story. Your friend,