Quail

A SATIRE advice column about alive, ahaha, and everything in between! Hello quail, I’ve recently been feeling quite lonely. I feel like none of the people at this school truly understand me. Theyre always telling me I’m too “wild” or am acting “feral”. I dont really know what to do, they all seem so tame and boring. Greetings wild child. Ah, well you see, theres your problem. You’re trying to interact with people. I have some good friends around campus I can let know to in

hey quail, i’m having an identity crisis. whenever i try to be helpful, people just yell at me. last year literally my whole department got promoted except me 😭 i tried to make a fresh start with a new brand, but it never seems to work 😔 what should i do? i can’t keep this up much longer, i’m running out of acronyms —Radiant Search Hi my Festive friend Hunting for answers! I may have a good answer for you. In my infinite expanse of wisdom, I would recommend a very powerful exercise for

Question the Quails Where do babies come from? Well, you see, the stork union is a bit outdated, and the cabbage patch had to close down due to budget cuts. So, in today’s modern world, babies have found a new, unconventional origin – the Mongolian Grill. It turns out that after consuming a delightful feast at a Mongolian Grill, the body undergoes a magical transformation. As you indulge in the flavorful concoctions of stir-fried goodness, a secret alchemical reaction occurs within your

Q: “I’m stumped on what to get for my significant other who seems to have everything. Any unique gift ideas that show thoughtfulness?” Mary Juana A: I offer thou a poem: I’m a mystery man, known far and wide, My special packages, they bring joy and pride. To all my friends, I send them away, Wrapped with care to brighten their day. Some contain laughter, some hold a big big surprise! But all are cherished, no matter their size. I’m the sender of parcels, the bearer of glee, Guess who

How do you deal with academic stress and anxiety at Caltech? Here is an allegory to enlighten you about this manner: Inner Voice 1 (Superego): Oh sh*t, not again! Why does this always happen at the worst possible moment? I can’t believe I’m stuck in here with explosive diarrhea. Why does my stomach betray me like this? Inner Voice 2 (Ego): Okay, breathe. It’s going to be fine. Just breathe. Maybe it’s a passing thing. Deep breaths. I can get through this. Inner Voice 1 (Superego): Passin

Q Help! The triangle man is after me! What do i do? -Pythagoras A Did you eat those mystery berries again? Have you considered that the triangle man is not real and it may just be the mystery berries, you moron??? Ugh, but I guess its too late for that. Here’s what you can do now since you can’t stop eating these berries: TᕼE TᖇIᗩᑎGᒪE ᗰᗩᑎ Iᔕ ᑕOᗰIᑎG Tħ𝐞 ₮ʳ𝓲⃔ɑɳʛｌἆᶇᶆ𝗇 ᵢₛ ₡o𝒎𝙞ⷦƞ𝔤 ₮ĦⱧ€ ŦⱤ!∆₦⛑ךɅℕ𝖘 ¯¡ร ॐ0ᴍ!и₲ /\_ / \ Nightmare /____\ NiGhTmArE

Q I’m a grad student looking for club funding. How do I go about applying for money? -Madeline Hatter A Simple! Just follow this 4-step plan: Create a crap club that sounds interesting but niche enough to discourage participation, allowing you to retain more funds. Propose the most costly items related to your club idea, requesting all of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM! Send in a request to the treasurer of the Associated Students of Caltech (ASCIT, the undergraduate studen

What’s the best way to choose a house? Idk. just choose what vibes are best for you. Have an open mind but also make sure that you are ranking houses where you genuinely see yourself being happy in the long term! What is rotation about? It’s a glorified show where houses attempt to show (exaggerate) what they’re all about. All houses (except for Booty House) have their unique characteristics that make them cool in their own ways, and rotation is a time in which they attempt to put them on dis

Dear Quail, In your holy infinite wisdom, can you answer the question: Is Caltech worth it? Best, A.S. Muncher Hi A.S. Muncher, Look, folks, let me tell you something about Caltech. They say it’s worth it, but honestly, it’s a disaster. It’s a total disaster, believe me. I’ve seen it, I know people who have been there, and they tell me it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. First of all, Caltech, they think they’re so smart. They think they’re the best, but let me tell you, I know smart. I wen

Dear Quail, I am very academically stressed. How would you recommend that I can overcome this? Thanks, Seymour Butts Hi Seymour Butts, Oh, academic stress? Don’t you worry, my friend, I’ve got just the solution for you! It’s time to unleash the power of the “Juice of Success” and turn those academic woes into triumphs! First things first, let’s concoct the “Concentration Elixir.” Take a splash of fresh orange juice, a dash of cranberry juice, and a sprinkle of extra pulp. Mix it all up and

Dear Quail, School has been great, and I had such a fun time during my years at California Institute of Technology. I love hearing all the hot gossip by red door, but I’m having trouble keeping secrets for my friends. It is getting to the point where they don’t want to talk to me anymore because I just keep spilling the beans! Do you have any way to keep my frijoles from getting fried. Signed, Beanie Baby Dear BB, I hate to be harsh, but your friends have every right to stop talking to you

Dear Quail, Housing lottery numbers just came out for fall term, and I was not originally planning on living in the house. However, behind excomm members, I have the highest pick in my year (!!) in the house and I am being inundated with requests from people I barely know to be my roommate. The problem is that I am an extreme people pleaser and I am having a hard time rejecting just

A new advice column about life, love, classes, and everything in between! Brought to you by the one and only California Tech. Dear Quail, _I recently started seeing someone and it’s going super well! I’m really into him and he seems really into me. The only problem is that our relationship is constantly being mentioned on Fizz, and not in a very flattering way. It’s gotten to th