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A SATIRE advice column about alive, ahaha, and everything in between! Brought to you by the one and only California Tech. See below for wisdom (?) from Quails past and scan the QR code to submit your own questions for future issues! How do Question the Quail articles get written? WATER!!! LOTS OF WATER!!! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO WRITE QUAIL ARTICLES SINCE IT IS VERY HOT IN PASADENA!!! **Wh

A constitutional crisis unfolded last week in Lloyd after residents of Purple and Kaos alleys announced their intention to secede and establish an independent state, the “Republic of Nugget.” The declaration came on March 31, when former President Isabella announced on behalf of the Purple and Kaos alleys that, “in the absence of our fearless leader” (current President Shan is off-campus this term), they had “elected to secede from Lloyd House in order to form our own independent state, the Rep

Disclaimer: This is satire. If you feel the need to send a malicious email to anyone after reading this, consider taking a walk by the Turtle Pond instead. Also, this isn’t a dig at our Chief Student Affairs Officer, who’s been genuinely engaged with students in the six months he’s been here. It applies only to the people undergrads already know it applies to. Changes to make the campus safer and more inclusive have been profoundly successful in the past several years. We have come a long way

If you stroll past the Olive Walk on a sunny Pasadena day, you might see something magical in the air. Is it the scent of freshly pranked upperclassmen? The echo of the Fleming cannon? Or perhaps it’s just the spirit of Caltech’s brand of wizardry—a house system that would make even J.K. Rowling jealous. At Caltech, the hallowed tradition of “houses” isn’t just about where you sleep; it’s about forging family, engineering pranks, and unleashing a level of creativity that would make even Dumbledo

There’s a lot of places around campus that no one has any reason to be at. However, the Google Maps algorithm somehow manages to place them all near the top of whatever category you select. SuzieCakes Perhaps you wanted to get your friend a birthday cake, and so you look up “cake” on Google Maps, and so you go to SuzieCakes to buy a big one but it’s $90 (with tax and other fees). Nine-inch cake for $90??? At that point, I’d rather just spend it all on chicken nuggets. Chicken Nuggets:

When exam weeks are upon us, it can be hard to maintain a positive attitude and keep your head up. It is a particularly brutal season of term, where long (4 to 5-hour long) exams for some classes are coupled with problem sets and projects that are still on schedule for others. Unlike finals, we don’t get the week off for midterms, so this season is particularly mid. It’s so hard to forget that there are things that we can enjoy and look forward to during these exams, and once they are done. To a

Olive Walk, Caltech, Pasadena, USA — In a shocking turn of events, the elusive “Hand Drill Hannibal” has struck again, this time pilfering hand drills from both Blacker Hovse and Page House within the last week. Local residents are in a frenzy as the drill bandit continues to leave no tool unturned. Witnesses describe Hannibal as a figure shrouded in mystery. “They’ve definitely got a taste for the finer drills,” said one concerned citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous. ![The Hand Drill Hann

Spoilers Ahead, brief mention of self-harm Coming out of retirement once again, Miyazaki’s latest film The Boy and the Heron is wonderfully filled with themes of love, grief, and accepting change. Fans of Studio Ghibli are no stranger to different film’s use of vibrant colors and mystical elements, as seen in Howl’s Moving Castle, My Neighbor Totoro, and Spiri

Question the Quails Where do babies come from? Well, you see, the stork union is a bit outdated, and the cabbage patch had to close down due to budget cuts. So, in today’s modern world, babies have found a new, unconventional origin – the Mongolian Grill. It turns out that after consuming a delightful feast at a Mongolian Grill, the body undergoes a magical transformation. As you indulge in the flavorful concoctions of stir-fried goodness, a secret alchemical reaction occurs within your

Q: “I’m stumped on what to get for my significant other who seems to have everything. Any unique gift ideas that show thoughtfulness?” Mary Juana A: I offer thou a poem: I’m a mystery man, known far and wide, My special packages, they bring joy and pride. To all my friends, I send them away, Wrapped with care to brighten their day. Some contain laughter, some hold a big big surprise! But all are cherished, no matter their size. I’m the sender of parcels, the bearer of glee, Guess who

Introduction: In the dystopian world of Panem, where each choice defines destinies and the division between good and evil is blurred more often than not, “The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes” dives into the core conflicts present in the entire Hunger Games franchise. Themes of desperation, morality, and the human condition are revisited by diving into the origin story of the tyrannical President Coriolanus Snow, the originator of the state of the Games that we saw in the main

How do you deal with academic stress and anxiety at Caltech? Here is an allegory to enlighten you about this manner: Inner Voice 1 (Superego): Oh sh*t, not again! Why does this always happen at the worst possible moment? I can’t believe I’m stuck in here with explosive diarrhea. Why does my stomach betray me like this? Inner Voice 2 (Ego): Okay, breathe. It’s going to be fine. Just breathe. Maybe it’s a passing thing. Deep breaths. I can get through this. Inner Voice 1 (Superego): Passin

Q Help! The triangle man is after me! What do i do? -Pythagoras A Did you eat those mystery berries again? Have you considered that the triangle man is not real and it may just be the mystery berries, you moron??? Ugh, but I guess its too late for that. Here’s what you can do now since you can’t stop eating these berries: TᕼE TᖇIᗩᑎGᒪE ᗰᗩᑎ Iᔕ ᑕOᗰIᑎG Tħ𝐞 ₮ʳ𝓲⃔ɑɳʛｌἆᶇᶆ𝗇 ᵢₛ ₡o𝒎𝙞ⷦƞ𝔤 ₮ĦⱧ€ ŦⱤ!∆₦⛑ךɅℕ𝖘 ¯¡ร ॐ0ᴍ!и₲ /\_ / \ Nightmare /____\ NiGhTmArE

After arriving at Caltech, one of the first things I noticed about the campus once I finally had time to wander around was that, from what I could tell, this place lacked a consistent architectural style. There’s a mix of Spanish-style architecture like Beckman Institute, more modern-looking buildings like Chen, and silly guys like the Beckman Hall (and also ugly ass ones like Downs-Lauritsen). This mixing of styles continues inside, with some buildings like Bridge keeping their old-fashioned st

Q I’m a grad student looking for club funding. How do I go about applying for money? -Madeline Hatter A Simple! Just follow this 4-step plan: Create a crap club that sounds interesting but niche enough to discourage participation, allowing you to retain more funds. Propose the most costly items related to your club idea, requesting all of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM! Send in a request to the treasurer of the Associated Students of Caltech (ASCIT, the undergraduate studen

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What’s the best way to choose a house? Idk. just choose what vibes are best for you. Have an open mind but also make sure that you are ranking houses where you genuinely see yourself being happy in the long term! What is rotation about? It’s a glorified show where houses attempt to show (exaggerate) what they’re all about. All houses (except for Booty House) have their unique characteristics that make them cool in their own ways, and rotation is a time in which they attempt to put them on dis

Dear Quail, In your holy infinite wisdom, can you answer the question: Is Caltech worth it? Best, A.S. Muncher Hi A.S. Muncher, Look, folks, let me tell you something about Caltech. They say it’s worth it, but honestly, it’s a disaster. It’s a total disaster, believe me. I’ve seen it, I know people who have been there, and they tell me it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. First of all, Caltech, they think they’re so smart. They think they’re the best, but let me tell you, I know smart. I wen

The Writers Guild of America (WGA) is currently on strike. The last time this happened was in 2008 and lasted around 2 months. This current one is promising to wrap up soon as studios have been slightly giving in to the demands. So, what are the demands on the writers? They want better to pay and working conditions as well as stricter rules about AI. Personally, I have been inspi

On Wednesday, June 7, 2023 at 2:12 p.m., Caltech undergraduates received the following email: Caltech Notification System This Timely Warning Bulletin is being issued in compliance with the Jeanne Clery Act. The purpose is to provide preventative information to the campus community to aid members from becoming the victim of a crime. Summary: On June 7, 2023, at

Joe: Thank you for joining us today, Doris. Can you tell us a bit about yourself? Doris: Of course. I’m an 87-year-old grandma from a couple of blocks north of here. Joe: A Pasadena local! And you recently made headlines for stealing a bike from Caltech’s Lloyd courtyard. Can you walk us through that? Doris: Well, Joe, it wasn’t much of a challenge, to be honest. The gate was slower than a turtle in molasses, and the fence was lower than my grandson’s IQ. And don’t even get me started on that

Dear Quail, I am very academically stressed. How would you recommend that I can overcome this? Thanks, Seymour Butts Hi Seymour Butts, Oh, academic stress? Don’t you worry, my friend, I’ve got just the solution for you! It’s time to unleash the power of the “Juice of Success” and turn those academic woes into triumphs! First things first, let’s concoct the “Concentration Elixir.” Take a splash of fresh orange juice, a dash of cranberry juice, and a sprinkle of extra pulp. Mix it all up and

Dear Quail, School has been great, and I had such a fun time during my years at California Institute of Technology. I love hearing all the hot gossip by red door, but I’m having trouble keeping secrets for my friends. It is getting to the point where they don’t want to talk to me anymore because I just keep spilling the beans! Do you have any way to keep my frijoles from getting fried. Signed, Beanie Baby Dear BB, I hate to be harsh, but your friends have every right to stop talking to you

The unprecedented high level of freshman enrollment has spurred a housing shortage on the Caltech campus. As a result, about 10% of the undergraduate student body must live off-campus next year. We feel that this situation will deprive those students of the residential experience that is at the center of a Caltech education. Therefore, we propose the following locations as new options for undergraduate housing: Housing Office: Isn’t that the point of it? I need housing. **Houses on Hill Av

Dear Quail, Housing lottery numbers just came out for fall term, and I was not originally planning on living in the house. However, behind excomm members, I have the highest pick in my year (!!) in the house and I am being inundated with requests from people I barely know to be my roommate. The problem is that I am an extreme people pleaser and I am having a hard time rejecting just

I’ll make no bones about it. The Super Mario Bros. Movie was easily the most anticipated movie of the year, if not the last decade. Even the reveal of the voice cast over a year ago produced a nearly unprecedented amount of buzz on social media. It’s not hard to see why: this film has one of the most stacked voice casts of any animated film I’ve ever seen, with big names who perfectly fit the iconic Mario characters they play. The lead, Mario Mario, is voiced by mega-star Chris Pratt, who like t