Question the Quail – December 3, 2024
A SATIRE advice column about alive, ahaha, and everything in between!
Hello quail, I’ve recently been feeling quite lonely. I feel like none of the people at this school truly understand me. Theyre always telling me I’m too “wild” or am acting “feral”. I dont really know what to do, they all seem so tame and boring.
Greetings wild child.
Ah, well you see, theres your problem. You’re trying to interact with people. I have some good friends around campus I can let know to introduce themselves.
Coyote: My favorite of the bunch. She’s quite the character. A bit on the misunderstood side tho. She’s cautious of new folks, but also knows how to hollar and howl with her friends, she’s a riot once you get to know her.
Turtle: You’d think she stays in her shell, but honestly she does quite the opposite. I have seen her make her way all around campus. I honestly dont even know how she gets the places she does, shes quite the adventurer. Usually hangs out around Caltech Hall, but I often see her up by Baxter or even down by the houses.
Isopod: He is the shy one of the bunch. Loves to curl up with a good book. He likes to exist around any quiet spot on campus, but I’ve noticed he tends to prefer to be near Venerable or Bechtel.
Lizard: A very active little spitfire. You can often find her running or doing pushups, or sunbathing to recharge. I most often see her running by CSS or down by the gym.
Parrot: A very talkative fellow. Also quite the prankster. Ive heard he likes to drop oranges near people and laugh. He’s so iconic for that one tbh. He’s quite the socialite, is all around campus, no one spot in particular.
Peacock: Parrot’s more flamboyant friend. I’m pretty sure he’s from out of town, but he visits occasionally. I wish he’d visit more, he’s got a truly incredible voice. Sometimes you can see him and his friends down in the rich people neighborhoods, I saw him at a house party the other week. Also why can I say peacock, and no one bats an eye…
Opossum: If I thought I rarely see Peacock, I almost never see ‘possum. I’ve seen her jogging by the north houses once or twice, but I think she sleeps most all day. She’s honestly so real for that one.
—quail
Howdy Quail, I’ve been wishing for a new drink to try. Regular soda really isn’t hitting the same anymore. Everything just feels so lame these days. I need something new to reinvigorate my tastebuds. Any recs?
Oh yes.. ohhhhh yess. My Pop sneaking Pal, do I have the concoction for you. If you go to the dollar tree, you can get four (4) cans of cotton candy faygo for one dollar and twenty five cents ($1.25). This drink,,,,, oh this drink,,,, this soda has changed me. It’s made me a better bird. Everything good in my life, I can attribute to cotton candy faygo. The flavor is just unmatched. The pure unapologetic artificiality of the flavor is so beautiful. It’s bright neon blue is more beautiful than the sky above. Idk what the fuck they make this shit with but whatever it is it’s gotta be mOthErfUckIn MirAclEs :o) God he is so tasteyyy, nothing can compare. You would be doing yourself a disservice if you didn’t go down to the dollar tree and buy every single can they have. This shit is literally life changing, I swear. If you try him and think otherwise you literally are so incorrect and you should come fight me in the dennys parking lot.
—quail
Uh,,, um,,,, hey quail,,,, uh,,,, blushes,,, uh,,,, so,, I’ve,, been crushing pretty bad on someone looks away bashfully,,,,,,, theyrereallyhandsomeandwittyandsmartandgivesgreatadvice,,,,,, flushes god,,, someone like that would be my absolute dream,,,, angway,,,, uh,,, what uh,,, what would you say if someone had a crush on you????? PURELY THEORETICALLY OF COURSE!! Haha,,,, <pleading emoji> <eyes emoji>
hm, what an interesting predicament you’ve found yourself in. I personally don’t think anyone’s ever had a crush on me, so it’s a moot point. I think whoever you’re youre crushing for sounds like a swell individual though. Honestly, if you weren’t already crushing on this person I’d go after them myself haha. I think you should go confess to them yourself :) Hell, you could even say just exactly what you’ve said here! I think it would work great :D Only a fool would let such a genuine confession go over their head. You should really try reaching out to this individual, don’t just tell me!
—quail
Hey quail, One of my friends is really into horses. It’s his birthday soon. Do you have any recommendations for a fun food to make for him? I think cake is boring
I have the perfect recipe for you! All you need is 🦄 one jar 🦄 calpico - either lychee or white peach flavor 🦄 gelatin (can be subbed for agar agar powder if your friend is vegan) 🦄 a small horse figurine
It’s super easy to prepare! Only a few short steps!
🫙 heat a portion of your calpico 🫙 add in your gelatin (according to the ratios on the package) 🫙 stir until the gelatin is dissolved 🫙 add in the remaining cold calpico 🫙 pour into a jar 🫙 add your figurine 🫙 allow to set 🫙 serve :)
I’m sure your friend will love it! People always love it when I serve this at parties.
—quail
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