Question the Quail

Q

I’m a grad student looking for club funding. How do I go about applying for money?

-Madeline Hatter

A

Simple! Just follow this 4-step plan:

1. Create a crap club that sounds interesting but niche enough to discourage participation, allowing you to retain more funds.

2. Propose the most costly items related to your club idea, requesting all of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM!

3. Send in a request to the treasurer of the Associated Students of Caltech (ASCIT, the undergraduate student government), to steal all the money from undergrads to use for your tons of unnecessary equipment and your dumb club that you were planning to embezzle money from anyways.

4. Embezzle

-Quail

Q

What are your favorite conspiracy theories?

-Eggs Benedict

A

In the realm of the mysterious, unexplained, and downright mind-boggling, the world of conspiracies holds a peculiar allure. From hidden agendas to covert operations, the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories runs deep. Get ready for some of my favorites:

1. Undergrad Hacks National Defenses

Imagine a completely hypothetical scenario where an unassuming Caltech undergrad, in an act of unparalleled serendipity, stumbles upon a high-security computer terminal connected to the nation’s most sensitive defense system. With mere curiosity and the most innocuous of intentions, he unintentionally triggers a chain of events that would send shivers down the spines of the most ardent conspiracy theorists.

In an underground chamber concealed from the world, an array of classified servers and networks hummed with a solemn purpose. For reasons known only to this Caltech student, he plugged in an Ethernet cable, changing the course of history with a click that would resonate across classified corridors.

Before alarm bells can ring, mysterious government figures arrive on the scene. Instead of casting blame or retribution, these enigmatic individuals present an offer that further deepens the enigma: They offer a job to the Caltech undergrad. An offer so peculiar that it raises more questions than answers.

As part of a clandestine agreement, the student is ushered into the covert world of classified information and cryptic government operations, all while juggling the rigors of academic life. What secrets does this student now hold? What undisclosed missions await him in the shadows beneath the hallowed Halls of Caltech?

2. The Reptilian Elite

Mark Zuckerberg: The Alien Tendencies?

Facebook’s enigmatic creator, Mark Zuckerberg, has long fascinated the public with his robotic demeanor and calculated responses. Conspiracy theorists now point to his unwavering quest for global connectivity as a sign of his extraterrestrial roots. They argue that no mere human could amass such vast technological power without an otherworldly edge.

Hillary Clinton: A Political Alien?

Hillary Clinton’s meteoric rise through the political ranks has baffled many. Some theorists believe it’s because she possesses knowledge far beyond human comprehension. Her cryptic emails and secret server have fueled suspicions that she’s been communicating with her alien brethren in a language we can’t decipher.

Donald Trump: A Space-Age Tycoon?

The 45th U.S. President, Donald Trump, left a mark on history with his unconventional approach to leadership. Conspiracy theorists now speculate that his unorthodox behavior and distinctive hairstyle could be a result of his alien lineage. They point to his affinity for gold-plated everything as a sign of extraterrestrial aesthetics.

The Alien Alliance: What Unites Them?

What connects these alleged alien infiltrators? Some claim that they have forged a covert intergalactic alliance, working together to manipulate world events to their advantage. Their understanding of advanced technology and their ability to influence global politics suggest they have knowledge far beyond the human realm.

The UFO Sightings: Close Encounters with the Elite

Conspiracy enthusiasts have reported numerous UFO sightings in close proximity to these figures. Some even claim to have seen these prominent individuals embarking on extraterrestrial spacecraft for undisclosed intergalactic meetings.

Unveiling a Startling Possibility

As conspiracy theorists dig deeper into the mysterious lives of major political figures like these, it’s hard to ignore the lingering question: Could these influential figures, and perhaps others like them, be part of a hidden power structure that’s subtly guiding the world toward an uncertain and unsettling fate?

3. Caltech…Skurves == Illuminati?

In the shadowy corners of Caltech’s Ricketts House, there’s a whispered legend about a group known as the “Skurves.” These enigmatic individuals have a reputation for harboring radical and off-the-wall ideas about chaos and anarchy that challenge conventional thinking.

Conspiracy theorists suggest that these activities are much more than just academic curiosity; they are part of a calculated effort to redefine the boundaries of chaos and order.

In a world where secrets run deep, who’s to say what lies beyond the veil of reality?

-Quail

Q

Hi Quail, I looked into the solar eclipse for too long and now im blind. What do I do?

-Anne Fetamine

A

Apathy is a state of emotional indifference and disinterest towards the world and its challenges. In the face of overwhelming blindness, a brief period of detachment can offer solace and respite. It’s important to recognize that experiencing moments of apathy does not mean one is resigned to a life of blindness. Apathy is a means of self-preservation, allowing one to gather strength and regain a clearer perspective before actively reengaging with life’s complexities. It’s crucial to remain apathetic, using apathy as a long-term approach to navigate life’s challenges.

• Quail