A SATIRE advice column about alive, ahaha, and everything in between! Brought to you by the one and only California Tech. See below for wisdom (?) from Quails past and scan the QR code to submit your own questions for future issues!
How do Question the Quail articles get written?
WATER!!! LOTS OF WATER!!! THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO WRITE QUAIL ARTICLES SINCE IT IS VERY HOT IN PASADENA!!!
Why does everyone keep talking about lululemon?
It seems like there is a very specific instance in which Caltech students were offered free lululemon products. Please ask upperclassmen about this incredible anecdote…
I’m a grad student looking for club funding. How do I go about applying for money?
– Madeline Hatter
Simple! Just follow this 4-step plan:
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Create a crap club that sounds interesting but niche enough to discourage participation, allowing you to retain more funds.
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Propose the most costly items related to your club idea, requesting all of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM!
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Send in a request to the treasurer of the Associated Students of Caltech (ASCIT, the undergraduate student government), to steal all the money from undergrads to use for your tons of unnecessary equipment and your dumb club that you were planning to embezzle money from anyways.
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Embezzle
what do i do if my phd thesis sinks in a submarine
– Dillard Dopamine
So, imagine this: my PhD thesis takes an unexpected plunge in a submarine, right? Classic Tuesday. Now, when I spill the beans to Caltech about the whole ordeal, I’m thinking of spinning it like my advisor got a little too peckish, you know, like they devoured my hard work. Picture this - a dash of humor, a sprinkle of charm, and a plea for a “pity PhD” because, come on, who else can claim their advisor snacked on their thesis? It’s not every day you survive a submarine mishap and a thesis-eating mentor, right? I’m hoping they’ll see the humor and toss an honorary degree my way. Fingers crossed, and let’s hope they’ve got a sense of humor down at Caltech!