SOURCES CONFIRM: "Ditch Day" Imminent: Reality-Bending Chaos Approaches

Editor’s note: This is the text of a 35,000-word manifesto as submitted to The California Tech by the serial ditch day faker and alarmist known as Jeff. The text was sent in May 2024 to The California Tech by the person who calls himself “GTBF,” identified by the OSE as Jeff, whom authorities have implicated in three counts of Engaging students at hours that prevent a full night of sleep and 16 Engaging students in activities without information about what is going to happen to them or during the activity. The author threatened to awaken the entire campus with pots and pans at 7:30am “tomorrow” unless the newspaper published this manuscript. The Dean of Students and the Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs recommended publication.

Pasadena, CA (AP) - The world is on the brink of an unprecedented cataclysmic event known as “Ditch Day,” set to occur tomorrow. The enigmatic group responsible for this apocalyptic spectacle has issued a cryptic message advising, “Go to bed frosh, Ditch Day is tomorrow.” As panic grips the globe, scientists, government officials, and citizens alike are scrambling to comprehend the impending chaos and prepare for the unknown. Ditch Day, a convergence of science, mysticism, and pranks, looms like a surreal shadow on the horizon. The exact nature of this phenomenon remains shrouded in mystery, leaving experts to speculate and theorize on its mind-bending implications.

While the enigmatic group behind Ditch Day has not provided explicit details, rumors and whispers have ignited the collective imagination. Some propose that Ditch Day will unleash a reality-altering force, warping the very fabric of our existence. Others suggest that it will manifest as a monumental clash between parallel dimensions, thrusting us into a world where the laws of physics are turned on their heads.

Scientists from various fields are convening emergency meetings to grapple with the impending chaos. Astrophysicists are contemplating the potential inversion of gravity, which could result in disorienting disarray as objects and people float skyward. Quantum physicists are engaging in fervent debates, considering the implications of overlapping universes merging and challenging our fundamental understanding of reality. Governments across the globe have declared states of emergency, urging citizens to remain calm while making necessary preparations. Grocery stores are witnessing a frenzied rush as people stockpile essential supplies. Canned goods, water, flashlights, and first aid kits are in high demand, as individuals brace themselves for a potential upheaval.

The online realm is abuzz with discussions and speculations surrounding Ditch Day. Social media platforms are flooded with hashtags such as #RealityBender, #DitchDayDoom, and #CosmicChaos. Netizens are meticulously deciphering cryptic symbols and messages, scouring for clues that may shed light on this imminent mind-altering event.

FACT CHECK: Is Ditch Day Tomorrow?

Religious leaders, too, have joined the chorus, scouring ancient texts for prophecies that may shed light on Ditch Day. Some interpret it as the “Apocalypse of Absurdity,” a test of faith in the face of unimaginable chaos. Others see it as a divine intervention, a wake-up call for humanity to reassess its trajectory. Still others see biblical salvation on the horizon, with reports claiming that thousands of the devoted have begun holding massive ceremonies for their impending ascension. 

Previously, the group orchestrating Ditch Day had offered the unexpected advice, “Dinner is tasty tonight.” Its meaning remains elusive, leaving the world to ponder whether it holds a deeper significance or is merely a facet of the enigma. Some groups have posited that by coming to house dinner tonight one might be able to achieve salvation from the impending dread of “Ditch Day”. Others, including public intellectual Kevin Gilmartin, have claimed that this dinner will be particularly tasty as it will be the last dinner we ever get to eat. As the final hours count down to Ditch Day, a palpable tension engulfs the planet. The human collective braces for an extraordinary and unparalleled experience that will redefine our understanding of existence. Whether it leads to enlightenment, absurdity, or something beyond our wildest dreams, one certainty prevails: the world will be forever transformed.

As the final moments tick away and the apocalyptic arrival of Ditch Day draws near, we must bid farewell, dear readers. The world as we know it is about to be changed in ways we can scarcely imagine. May you find courage in the face of uncertainty, strength in unity, and hope amidst the chaos. Whether we emerge from the abyss unscathed or are forever altered, let us remember our shared humanity and the resilience that resides within us. Farewell, and may we meet again on the other side, whatever that may be.

Editor’s note: The California Tech has not independently verified the claims made in this manifesto. The threat of pots and pans at 7:30am tomorrow has been deemed unsubstantiated hazing by the OSE. Regardless, the Dean of Students and the Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs have recommended that all students go to bed early tonight and prepare for the worst. The California Tech will continue to provide updates as the situation develops.