The unprecedented high level of freshman enrollment has spurred a housing shortage on the Caltech campus. As a result, about 10% of the undergraduate student body must live off-campus next year. We feel that this situation will deprive those students of the residential experience that is at the center of a Caltech education. Therefore, we propose the following locations as new options for undergraduate housing:
Housing Office: Isn’t that the point of it? I need housing.
Houses on Hill Avenue: Office of Residential Experience (I’m in the market for a residential experience myself), the Music House (my house WILL be full of beautiful tunes), the Einstein Papers House (let me absorb his knowledge osmotically), Admissions House (admit me to affordable, close-to-campus housing, please).
Center for Student Services: the only service I need is to be provided housing…
Caltech Hall (floors 2-8): does any singular person know what goes on in there?
Dabney Hall of the Humanities: Dabney Hovse satellite campus, if you will.
Broad Center for the Biological Sciences: They already house all those monkeys, plus it’s close to on-campus dining options. I can pay rent by participating in psychological experiments.
Brown Gym: Who needs SimpliSafe, the new bronze Beaver can protect us!
Resnick Sustainability Center Construction Site: Bechtel Residence 2.0? Call up the architect, it’s not too late to change the plans.
Rooftops: Top-floor penthouse suite, anyone?
President Thomas F. Rosenbaum III’s House: A frequent topic at the Student-Faculty Conference was the lackluster undergraduate advising program. As a solution to this issue, any student being forced to move off campus should be permitted to take up residence in the President’s Caltech-owned house. Don’t misunderstand, we don’t want to kick Rosenbaum out of housing (that would be just as bad as what happened to us), we simply propose creating some double-occupancy rooms and moving in with him!