Dabney Lies at a Dangerous Crossroads

Dabney Lies at a Dangerous Crossroads

What do you do when the cure is worse than the disease?

Last term, Dabney Hovse was plagued by a series of perturbing terrorist attacks on its sacred bathrooms. A still-unknown individual or group of individuals, known by the general public as the “Toilet Bomber(s)”, has on multiple occasions put obscene amounts of toilet paper into toilets in order to clog them. This is an attack on Dabney’s peace of mind, her health, and even her treasury due to the fines threatened1 by Caltech Housing.

Like most Darbs, I am an honest, God-fearing man, and I think I speak for the moral majority when I say that these attacks are despicable, unforgivable, and all other such superlatives. I am not some bleeding heart who believes that the perpetrator(s) deserves anything less than the fullest punishment available under the law. At the same time, I cannot in good conscience condone the unprecedented expansion in executive power that these atrocities have been used to justify. President Wexler’s proposal to install a combination of biometric “ass scanners” on Dabney toilets with weight monitors in the bowls to signal a toilet bombing. This is a gross violation of Darbs’ civil liberties besides being gross in general, and Wexler’s response when pressed by Hovse media that “College students don’t have rights” is grossly insufficient.

This is not to mention Prexy Wexy’s further proposals to establish a standing armed police force to arrest and punish suspects. I am certainly not against punishment for violators – I even support capital punishment for such heinous crimes – but this expansion of Hovse police power is troubling. What is to prevent the president from turning these squads on dissidents to his administration?

This to me is the main issue: accountability. Who shall hold our leaders accountable? Can we go turn to the Caltech administration that cares little for us? Unlikely. No, the resistance must come from the people, the body that makes Caltech great/bearable (or so I have been told).

I will be defecating in front of President Wexler’s room on April 13th to protest these disgusting overreaches of power. I encourage other concerned citizens to do the same.2 Remember that democracy dies in darkness and vote with your sphincters.

Justin Toyota is a free-thinker, rationalist, lover, and self-proclaimed sigma male. As of 2021, he has been recognized as a top contributor on /pol for his nuanced political discourse.

  1. Editor’s Note: collected ↩︎

  2. Editor’s Note: Defecating in public places is a violation of the Caltech Housing policy and is not condoned by The California Tech. Violators will be referred to the CRC. ↩︎