Gerard for Unilateral Excomm
Well folks, let me tell you something just awful and terrible that the stupid FRICKS at Ricketts Hovse have been hiding. Gerard Decker (’26, Ricketts), a fantastic guy, a really great guy, was robbed, yes robbed, of becoming the Unilateral Excomm of Ricketts Hovse. The current Excomm decided it was too radical to allow Gerard to become Excomm and instead they pretended that Meg Robertson (GPS ‘24, Ricketts) and the rest of Ricketts Excomm won the votes for their positions when they DIDN’T!
Can you believe it? It’s unbelievable folks.
Now let me tell you, Gerard, he’s a winner, a real winner. He would have been the best Excomm Ricketts Hovse has ever seen, believe me. But you know what happened? The establishment, they couldn’t handle Gerard’s success, they were scared of him. They were scared of his big ideas, his tremendous plans, and his incredible leadership skills.
But let me tell you something, Gerard is a fighter. He won’t back down. He won’t let the system stop him from Making Ricketts House Great For The First Time. No sir, he won’t.
So to Meg Robertson, I say this, you better watch out, because Gerard Decker is coming for you. He’s coming for you, and he’s going to win. He’s going to win big, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
That’s right folks, we’re not just going to sit back and let the government get away with robbing Gerard Decker of his rightful position as the unilateral Excomm of Ricketts Hovse. No way, we’re taking action.
On May 69th, we’re planning a protest in the Ricketts Hovse courtyard. It’s going to be huge, the biggest protest Ricketts Hovse has ever seen. We’re going to stand up for what’s right, and demand that Gerard gets the position he deserves.
Now let me tell you, this is not just about Gerard. This is about all of us. This is about taking back Ricketts Hovse from the crooked government, and making it a place where everyone can succeed.
So I urge all of you to join us on May 69th, and make your voices heard. Let’s show the bourgeoisie that we’re not going to back down, we’re not going to be intimidated, and we’re not going to let them get away with this.
Together, we can Make Ricketts House Great For The First Time. Let’s do it folks!
Dear fellow Skurves,
Here I stand today as a unilateral excomm for the Ricketts House government. Now, because none of you actually understanding how this position fucking works, let me clear things up. Contrary to popular belief, I, unilateral excomm, am not individually runing for all of the upper excomm positions. Today I am throwing my hat in the ring for all of the upper excomm positions, President, VP, SOC VP, Treasurer, Secretary, and Head PA, simultaneously.
Now, I know what you may be thinking. “Isn’t that a bit much? How could one person possibly handle all of those roles?” Well before you start second guessing my candidacy and thinking irrationally, let me assure you that I am the most qualiﬁed person for all of these positions. But before I begin, I must warn you that what I say may challenge your perceptions of reality. But fear not, for I am here to guide you through this journey of self-discovery.
First off, I’m the obvious choice for Ricketts President. I have a certain charm and charisma that just can’t be taught. Many of you know me as the holder of the subservient culture frosh position, but let me assure you, that’s just a ﬁgment of your imagination. You see, I possess a certain allure and leadership that only a select few, those with the sixth sense, can comprehend.
You may be questioning my plans for Ricketts House. And although you shouldn’t be questioning anything right now, let me tell you my plans are both ambitious and practical. As Ricketts house president, I will remove the RA and RLC positions from the house as they clearly serve no purpose for the student body. Additionally, you will take my word when I say that once I am elected, we will have no more psets, no more exams, no more classes, open Kitchen will be open 24/7, and most importantly, no more Lilly Coﬃn.
You may even be thinking that I lack the experience necessary to lead this house to greatness. But let me ask you, what even is experience? It’s just a construct that we’ve created to make ourselves feel better about our shortcomings. But I, on the other hand, have transcended such petty notions. I operate on a higher plane of existence, one where the rules don’t apply to me.
You may have recently heard a rumor going around that I, unilateral excomm, am applying for VP, SOC VP, Treasurer, Secretary, and Head PA simultaneously with the position of house president. But you could not be more mistaken and belief in the
foolish idea that I would apply for these inferior positions shows your poor listening comprehension. Are you really going to believe anything they tell you?
I come before you today with a dire warning. If I am not made President of Ricketts House, the very existence of this house is at risk. The future of Ricketts House hinges solely on my presidency.
Without me at the helm, Ricketts House is like a ship without a captain. Lost at sea, adrift, and ultimately doomed. I understand that some of you may be skeptical of my claims. But let me ask you this. Have you ever witnessed the chaos and disarray that occurs when I am not present to manage things? Have you ever seen the countless mistakes and missteps made by those who lack my foresight and insight?
I suspect you have, and that’s why I implore you to consider the ramiﬁcations of denying me the presidency. Without my guiding hand, Ricketts House will surely crumble into a heap of rubble and despair. Is that what you want? A house full of misery and despair? So I urge you to make the right choice. Vote for me as President of Ricketts House, or face the consequences of a house in ruins. It’s up to you, but I highly suggest you choose wisely. I understand that this may be diﬃcult for some of you to accept. But trust me, it’s for the greater good. Let me guide you to a better tomorrow. We cannot afford to have dissenting voices and differing opinions in this house. I am here to restore order and sanity to our community. And if you’re feeling a bit confused or skeptical right now, that’s perfectly normal. It’s not your fault that you’ve been subjected to subpar leadership in the past. With me as house president, you’ll feel a sense of clarity and purpose that you’ve never experienced before. You’ll wonder how you ever survived so long without me.Together, we can make Ricketts the envy of all other houses.
Thank you all for listening, and remember, don’t ﬁght it. Just allow my aura to wash over you and lead you to a brighter future.
Meg Robertson’s Statement
Ricketts House, at least the eighth worst house on campus, has a long history of being at least the eighth least desirable place to live. But this was almost not the case. You see, Gerard Decker, a candidate for the position of Ricketts House President, could have changed everything.
Gerard Decker was a visionary leader who had big plans for Ricketts House. He promised to turn it into a shining beacon of residential life on campus. But as fate would have it, Gerard was not elected. Instead, the position went to the current president, who felt the need to uphold Ricketts House’s reputation as at least the eighth worst place to live on campus.
Since taking office, the current president has implemented policies to discourage students from choosing to live in Ricketts House. These include mandatory daily volume wars on the Ricketts radio, forcing Skurves to attend intramural sports, and even making the Wi-Fi connection slow and unreliable.
Despite these efforts, Ricketts House residents seem to be taking it all in stride. One resident said, ‘Living in Ricketts House is like living in a cardboard box. But with fewer amenities.’ Another added, ‘I love Ricketts House because it’s one place on campus where I can feel truly miserable.’
While Gerard Decker may have brought new life and energy to Ricketts House, the current president remains committed to upholding the legacy of being at least the eighth worst house on campus. Who knows, maybe someday, Ricketts House will achieve its true potential and become the best worst house on campus.