Investigation into Crimes Against the California Tech

Investigation into Crimes Against the California Tech

Recently, criminal investigations have begun into the individual known as Kenny Thai for crimes against the California Tech. His felonies include the illegal propagation of spam, negligence allowing for unfair representation of all of the Houses in the California Tech, the violation of numerous labor and embezzlement laws, and resisting arrest by fleeing from the area. Here, I aim to keep the general public informed about this dangerous individual as well as garner information which will help lead to his capture.

The first of Thai’s crimes involves the illegal propagation of spam through unsanctioned Caltech channels, causing undue stress in the general population. In the most recent elections for Tech Editor, Thai ran a total of 54 times, bringing his total number of runs to 69. Investigators are currently unsure why he would stop here and are proceeding to determine the significance of the number 69 as a whole. Regardless of the number’s hidden meanings, Thai’s actions are in violation of the Snoogums Containment Act. Under Section 12c of this act, spam is only authorized in a form under sections of the form which are distinctly marked for spam. A working expert on this act provided reasoning for why this particular violation is so appalling:

“[Thai] has recklessly run for editor of The California Tech, otherwise known as the “Tech,” 54 times. This brings the total number of times he has run to 69 (the significance of this number is unknown). So you ask “what is the problem with running 54 times?” Well, dear reader, I have the answer. The 54 candidacies require 540 candidate statements, each to be distributed to each of the students, professors and staff of Caltech, [of which there are] about 5,000, and their families for a total of 200,000 issues. This means that in total 1,080,000,000 pages must be printed. If each page is 1 gram, this is 10,800,000 kg of paper or 108,000 metric tons of paper. The city of Pasadena emits 1.9 million metric tons of CO2 per year (Pasadena Star News). This means that [Thai]’s little “joke” will comprise over 10% of the total CO2 emissions of the city of Pasadena from the inevitable decomposition of paper, not to mention the carbon dioxide emitted from the transportation and manufacture of the Techs. [Thai] has without a doubt violated multiple local statutes, and possibly the 2015 Paris Climate accords. He should be investigated, and above all de-rotated.”

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He, as the ringleader of the invaders of the ASCIT nominations form, egregiously violated this act in that his spam was located in the primary parts of the form (which I will note had no designated spam section to begin with, but that is another issue which is not discussed today). Such actions would have been permissible had his spam been contained to the write-in portions of the elections ballot (Ordinance of Unwillful Enfranchisement, Section 3), but alas, this was not the case for Thai’s actions. We SUSpect that managing to win one election for the Tech Editor position emboldened him to abuse his power, but this is a conclusion we cannot confirm until a psychiatric evaluation is made following his capture. His conspirators are guilty of violating these laws as well, but as the ringleader of his crew of impostors, he is by far the most dangerous individual of the group.

Thai has also taken the California Tech, a publication meant to represent all of the Houses, and allowed Dabney House to establish its dominance over it in a “corrupt bargain” of sorts. Under Article VI of the All Houses Get Hazed Act, the express purpose of the California Tech is to be a publication equally representative of and impartial to all of the Houses. Moreover, the Meme Anti-Trust Law prevents any one House from exerting monopolistic control over any publication delivered to the population at-large - an extension of the freedom of speech granted to all individuals. Finally, the Propagandistic Distribution Law establishes a quota for the Tech, mandating the creation and collection of articles either made by individuals throughout the Houses or cover subjects relevant to the student body. Thai has failed on all of these accounts. By abusing his power and working with a House that has everything to gain in a position of power, Thai has destroyed the equal representation of the Houses within the California Tech and has allowed Dabney House to “T-pose” over all of the other Houses with monopolistic control over the California Tech, if you will. The thing Thai gains from all of this is content which would normally and legally be collected by him from students of all backgrounds. In gross abuses of power and self-serving nefariousness, Thai has exercised illegal control over the California Tech for personal motives using uncondoned methods of generating content for the publication. Such an individual cannot be allowed to run free under current legal jurisdictions.

Even disregarding the fact that Thai has over-relied on Dabney House for his personal gain, the circumstances under which Darbs had to work to create content for the California Tech violates multiple labor and tax laws. Inside sources say that though the California Tech has generated revenue from its (declining) viewership, the SUSpect has withheld all wages from the Dabney workers, forcing them to create more and more content in a never-ending cycle of pain. It is currently unknown where, exactly, this revenue is going - leading theories are that the money is being reinvested into the baked bean industry for Thai’s personal gain, since Thai is known to have had connections with said industry in the past. Moreover, inside sources have also conjectured that Thai is employing minors to illegally write for the California Tech, violating multiple child labor laws in the process. On their own, unpaid labor, child labor, and embezzlement of revenue are serious enough crimes. However, much like two imposters are much more effective than one in the hit mobile game “Among Us,” the combination of these crimes exacerbates the negative consequences of all three crimes. A figure as cunning as Thai must be stopped before he causes more harm (physical and psychic) to the people he has taken advantage of in the name of the California Tech.

The cherry on top of these crimes is that Thai is well aware of the illegality of his actions. In an attempt to escape the consequences of his actions, Thai has chosen to flee the area, unsurprisingly violating the Editor Accountability Act. Thai is known to be well-versed on rivers, being a geologist - experts SUSpect that this is the most likely means of escape which would have been taken by Thai. Thai was last seen heading westwards of campus under the guise of performing geology field work. Such a guise provided the perfect opportunity to amass the necessary equipment needed to go on the run without arousing too much SUSpicion. Thai is wanted in multiple states and has successfully made use of rivers to escape capture in the past. Analysis of the Californian geography suggests that Thai is currently beelining towards Death Valley in an attempt to use that river system as an escape route. However, investigators of crimes against school newspapers were able to think ahead, drying out any water in the area some 10,000 years before Thai’s escape attempt. With limited resources and the pressure of having authorities pursue him into Death Valley, Thai is expected to make a return to campus, where the police will be waiting with open arms to capture this dangerous and elusive individual.

In the meantime, information which may help lead to the demise of Thai’s corrupt practices is currently being collected. Authorities have already pieced together portions of Thai’s past using the small bits of information provided to them. Thai has not been known to work alone - reports suggest that Thai prefers to work with individuals that seem to wear hazmat suits with no arm holes and a single visor meant to mask the identities of those committing crimes with Thai. His crew of SUS imposters (or amogi), if you will. (For all we know, Thai himself may also own a hazmat suit with no leg holes and a visor.) Furthermore, as mentioned before, Thai has links to both Dabney House and the baked bean industry. Thai seems to have somehow known that various members of Dabney House would desperately leap at any opportunity to earn wages by writing for a medium as creatively liberating as the Tech, but it is unclear how he was able to gather enough information to come to that conclusion. It is also unclear why Thai might choose to reinvest his embezzled revenue in the baked bean industry of all industries - perhaps, as a cunning individual, he noted its growth potential while building connections with the industry. It may also be the industry that provided him with the initial capital necessary to begin his empire over the California Tech.

If you or anyone you know has any information which may lead to Thai’s capture, please report it to Dabney Esquire and Investigators, an agency dedicated to the apprehension of this malicious individual. The agency can be contacted through an anonymous phone line at 420-420-6969 or over email at Various resources are also provided on the Dabney Esquire and Investigators website to help individuals cope with the psychic damage dealt by Thai’s actions. Together, we can work towards capturing Kenny Thai and fixing the destruction wrought by his actions. Thank you for reading.

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